Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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