if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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