Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize