can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
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This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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