that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
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doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
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he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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