We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
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I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
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