Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
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I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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