I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
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You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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