i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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