Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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