I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
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Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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