i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
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So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
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She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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