dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
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Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
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you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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