I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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