Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
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So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
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Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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