Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
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If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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