i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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