The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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