i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
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nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
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We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize