i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
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She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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