why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
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YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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