I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize