I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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