even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
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I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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