My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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