So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's rum buckets o'clock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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