i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
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"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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