Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
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3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
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We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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