The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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