My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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