I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many bounce houses so little time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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