i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
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Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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