Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
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CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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