I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
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Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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