If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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