why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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