I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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