just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
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I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
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Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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