Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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