I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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