I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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