Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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