Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
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I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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