You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
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Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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