the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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