Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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