Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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