Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize