I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize