You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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